sometimes.. i wonder why i'm still alive.. and the truth is i have no fucking clue why. my life is equal or less than the general awesomeness of shit. that's how pleasant it is. the thing that bothers me most is that i can't do anything. i'm too weak to end it all, trust me.. the last two hours were spent completely on thinking of suicide.
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today i woke up and my mom told me that i should just drop out of school. the she continued that if i did that, i would either have to move out and get a full time job, or stay here and pay rent. yeah. that's my loving mother for you. but to tell you the truth, she's just as bad as me. she's a liar. she's a hypocrite. she pretends to care then pulls this shit on me. does anyone really think i care about grades? because i really don't.
i had a talk with my dad. it was specifically about "what was wrong with me" and my depression. i told him i wanted to die. bluntly. he told me to stop it. i told him to get the fuck out of my life. he sighed and asked me why i wanted to die. i told him my life wasn't worth living. he told me to stop it. i told him i couldn't. i told him i had no one. i told him i'd never have anyone. he told me he didn't have many friends in school. i told him i had none. he told me i was a liar. i asked him to name one. he couldn't.
so, as i sit here and wait for emily to come online.. i wonder.. how many prozacs does it take to kill someone?
sometimes i wonder if there is a difference between making sure you exist hourly to actually knowing you don't. in my life, i wander between the two. i don't think i exist, yet i try and try again to pursuade myself that i do. but in all reality, i don't. i'm a nothing, a no one. and i allowed myself to think differently for awhile.
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i like to play a game, this game is where i have pretend friends that live at their pretend houses and they pretend that they like me. i began to believe that these people were actually my friends, but in all reality i knew i was only going to hurt myself by talking to these seemingly innocent beings. could i be more stupid and wrong? liars. hypocrites. assholes. that's all they've turned out to be. people keep telling me that i can trust them, that i can call them when i need someone to talk to. i know this is a lie.
ashly isn't a friend anymore. i thought we were cool, we were down and tight and starting to get through this school IB program together. guess who thought wrong? me. of course she doesn't want to be with me, no one does. she now has her own little groups. she's in chamber orchestra, i'm not. she's in a lot of ib classes i couldn't fit in. she's more social than i am. she's now bonding with kelly, megan, sarah, and talyia. where do i fit in in this equation? oh. that's right. i don't.
i hate ben. he's a liar and won't admit it, which just adds to him being a liar. is it fun to hurt me? too bad i'll never let you make me cry. luckily, i'm used to getting hurt too easily and now i'm going to avoid you at all costs. too bad i can't say 'i hate you so fucking leave me alone' to your face in a much nicer way. stop pretending you care, you're a bad actor.
i just want someone to be my own. i can never have that though, the only person i share with myself is myself. no one can call me their best friend, their shoulder to cry on, their strength. i'm nothing to no one. just a figment of my own imagination that floats around like casper.
i can't feel, but i can. it's a numbness only dulled by my own emotion. or lack of it. i want to feel nothing but i can't help crying daily. my depression grows deeper and secret, as usual. no one is there to help me. i won't let anyone help me anymore. well, there's one person who has a chance. i don't think it will work.
my parents need to stop pretending they care. i'm used to no one noticing me. i think i like it that way. that way, i can't get hurt anymore. i'm sick of being a stepping stone for everyone. it's tragic and repetetive. i don't want to ride the cycle anymore. if you know me personally, expect me to not talk to you much anymore. nor smile at you, nor even notice you anymore. i think i'm finally lost in my own little void where nothing matters but death, survival is no longer an option.
there was something i was going to add, but i can't remember..
how come everyone takes me for granted? am i really worth less than the faceless pennies that have yet to be minted? i guess so.
i could do it ... right now...
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so why don't i?
because i want a future. i at least want to see if i have anything once i hit college. it's not that far away, right? two years. i suppose i could last that long. if not, i'm sure i'll be alone in california. it'll be as easy as it is now. more possibilities, more options, freedom. loneliness. it's all what i have now and i'm unhappy.
i don't need people anymore, i don't think i ever did. i never made relationships with anyone, i just hid them. i said my name and i hid them away and used something to cover for them. something that would keep the questions away and there would be silence. oh, wonderful silence. that way, it didn't matter who i knew and who i didn't. i didn't care about anyone who i used to know, people who thought they knew me but never did. fuck, none of them even know my middle name. and i'm supposed to think that they care? i knew they never did.
i called ben today, talked to him while some fucking liar was busy being a whore and telling her friends shit about me. yeah, that's the life. luckily, i never have to talk to the stupid ass mother fucker ever again. makes me feel damn good that i used someone so much. i wasted peoples lives. that is a sick pleasure, but a pleasure all the same.. yet i don't feel the happiness that is usually safteypinned to the side in a polite little plastic baggy with a name sticker with it's contents writen in sharpie on it.
i don't know anything. i'm a person. one being. yet, i'm supposed to know everything about the fucking world and people. a) i don't give a fuck. b) i hate pretty much everyone. c) if i love you, you've heard it spill from my lips. d) you know nothing about me and chances are, you never will know. hmm, if you think about it, everone i know fits into one of these categories. even those i used to know. yeah. isn't that great?
tomorrow i'm bringing my summer sanitarium pictures to ben, so that he can bask in the mike shinodaness that is contained on those beautiful pieces of paper. it will be erotic as well as soul strengthening at the same time. imagine such a sight.. so picturesque.. beautiful.. mm.
that's all. i'm sick, psming, and not giving a fuck about how people feel. how are you, bitches?
i thought everything was getting better. school was getting easier, my mom was getting better, life was going pretty smoothly. of course i keep hitting that rocky path that will "lead me to my destiny." yeah. right. haha, cute. my life's a joke, i wish it would just disappear.
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i broke up with my girlfriend on sunday. don't say you care because i sure as hell didn't. we got in an argument last night about my time, or lack thereof. i wasn't completely into it though, i was already arguing with a few other people, as well as trying to complete an essay on tolerance of homosexuals in a school-like enviroment. i'll post it sometime when i finish it.
my mom came home from the hospital on sunday. can't say i was all 'woo hoo, yippe skippy!' but there was some emotion, though not positive in nature. she was readmitted this morning with a high temperature, for some reason she's not getting out of this funk and i don't know what i'd do without her, i've never felt so worried.. and so careless at the same time.
i talked to a few random people who don't need to be mentioned because they don't really matter. i only care about those on my friends list and those who don't have a livejournal that i care about strongly. windowlicker by aphex twin is the most hilarious music videos i have ever seen. that's the one thing that made me laugh today, aswell as watching carnivale.
whoops, i kinda forgot to finish my update. yeah. i was writing this at 3:30 or something, now it's almost 11. i watched "Like Mike" today. lil' bow wow has a messed up head and it made me want to laugh at him because it was pretty damn funny. i couldn't force myself to stay conscious through "AI" so I ended up crawling into bed where i stayed until about 9:30.
i'm haunted by either sleepless nights or nightmares. tonight's, or this afternoons was horrible. after i drifted to sleep things were black, as usual. soon i was being bathed in warmth from surrounding light. the heating of my skin felt beautiful in comparison to the cold weather i'm used to here. i saw nothing but what my eyelids allowed me to see, that unique redness one sees when their eyes are closed but exposed to sunlight. i felt hands on my flesh, tendering caressing my most private areas, though i allowed a slightly surpressed laugh to escape my lips. i opened my eyes and there he was, grinning at me before he pressed his lips down upon my own. in dreams you see anything you want to see and it's tainted with that unreal affect that seems somewhat daunting. i saw him laying over my form, the sheets bunched at the end of the bed and loosely around his thin waist. i was trembling, shaking, writhing under her sweet touches. his tanned and smooth flesh was pressing against my pale reflective skin. it was striking in comparison, but beautiful at the same time. he was egar to just touch, seeing as that was mainly what he did until i parted our lips to laugh lightly. i looked into his eyes and only saw the expression of fear on my face. he bowed his head, bringing his lips to my ear, playfully letting a kiss caress my flesh before whispering "now, it's time to be a big girl and not cry. promise you won't cry, for me, baby? can you do that?" i felt myself shiver, his words gave me the wig. he bit lightly at my earlobe before gently stroking my neck with one of his hands, on the opposite side of his face. i nodded slowly, hardly able to respond with a "of course i won't cry, baby.." he smiled some, rising to look into my eyes, eyes that looked into the depth of my soul, exposing my sadness and truths."i don't want to hear you scream, either." this confused me more than his last request, but it all made sense as his slender fingers wrapped around my neck, holding tight and strong to block my ability to inhale or exhale oxygen. i gasped, trying to take in any air that i could, my hands latched onto his, fingernails embedding themselves into it, drawing droplets of blood that spilt onto my bare chest. i squirmed under his touch, hating that i ever let anyone this close to me. he held still, stealing my breath away until i fought back no more. everything was slipping away, disappearing before me. things were getting hazy. and i died. and i watched myself die at the hands of the one person i can say openly that i love. he stumbled out of bed, moving towards the sliding door onto the balcony of our shared home where he then allowed a bullet to penetrate his skull.
people aren't supposed to dream about their death, it's unhealthy. in fact, i know no one who actually dies in their dreams. i've heard of people who have had the falling of the top of a building dream, but they always wake up before they hit the pavement. i wake up after contact is made. something is wrong there in it's own.
some things never change and it's completely hilarious. yeah. some people probably know what i mean by this, others may not. then again, i'm not going to inform you unless i like you. the chance of that? pretty damn slim.
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so, school. yeah.. not much to say about that anymore other then it sucks. though, magically, i passed my history test which happened to be completely reliant on an essay. yeah, somehow i bullshitted a c+ from that. my highest grade on a test in that class since like, ever.
my mom is in the hospital. she's been there for quite awhile. can't say i worry because i don't. she's fine. i'm not.
i've slipped into my depressive state as of.. college fair night(wed), but i have a feeling i won't write about it because then it'll come back ten fold.
i talked to cessa and sent her my baby pictures. but then she dissapeared and hasn't been back, so i can't very well show her my recent ones, can i? silly goose.
OH! Tara! I want to go to the Fuel concert that's at the Quest. You going? Ben might go with me.. but I don't know.
My girlfriend is probably going to come over later, so we're going to bust out the webcam that she owns or something. it'll be great. MUHAHAHA. or something. MEANING THAT CESSA SHOULD GET ONLINE WHEN SHE COMES HERE OR SOMETHING, IS THIS ENOUGH INNUENDO FOR YOU?
holy shit.. she just signed on. i'm worried/confused/scared.
hey baby! :*) i feel like being chris right now, after i was the smiledvdpart.
so, just as i was becoming proud of fatexfails she goes and ruins it. talk about taking it to the head. chris is now gone from her icons. amy is taking over and that is very depressing. although chris does not show up in her layouts, i do. which makes me giggle and bounce up and down like a rabid child. or something of the like.
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anyway, school has sucked. i have hated every minute of it and we're only three weeks in. sad, sad. i asked my girlfriend out on thursday. so i've had a girlfriend for *counts on fingers* three days? something like that. it's a world record or something. i don't know. my cat is chewing on my LPDC and i think i'm going to kick it.
away from kitten abuse...
i didn't get to go on my date. my whole weekend was ruined by a little thing called family and i wish that when i used to cut that i severed an artery and died from blood loss. christ would that have been nice. so, i wasted my fucking saturday waiting to go on my date. she couldn't go on sunday because she had to go to some fucking athletic event. so, come sunday i waste time with my family. i kept pretty quiet the whole time. i saw sam there, she was pretty in her pretty dress. then i realized how horrible my life was and that i came here with my younger brother and parentes. she got to go with her friends. and be in a pretty dress.
it started raining there. i think i'm now sicker than i was. gee, great. only good was that iu got some pentacle earrings. i got them from uncommon adornments. they specialize in handcrafted celtic jewelery, all of which are beautiful. yes, yes.
nothing else to say, really.. oh, i tried out for chamber, doubt i got in, but we shall see. sadly.
oh, haha. on my buddylist i see
those being the last parts of two friends screen names. good times.
i'm really proud of fatexfails because she still has the chris icon i gave her up. that's full of numiness. my life is a living hell right now and i'm so glad that a lot of people are no longer involved with it.
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yeah, i mean it in everyway too.
i've been pretty sick recently, been not doing well in school, been not asleep until at LEAST one am everynight. i'm highly strung out. but that's expected junior year/freshmanyearatcollege. can we all say FUCK YOU IB? yeah, thought we could.
so i have an essay due fifth hour. i bullshitted it. but i sat down to do it at about 6 and i was on the phone. with ashly. and i said something along the lines of "no one is going to fucking do this paper because i said so" and then, suddenly, the power goes out. not just in my house but in all of saint louis park. yeah, that was great. i'm a gift from god, aren't i? i was pissed, i yelled at my dad some because i could.
today in math ben kissed my cheek. good times. it tickled. i let drew draw on me again, this time he drew on BOTH hands. and in my notebook because we were playing a little game or something. sigh sigh. i have to stay after school on friday to try out for chamber orchestra, because i am a nerd. i'm so tired and have nothing left to say anymore.. other than don't read the scarlet letter while opperating sharp objects.
je suis mort!
that was great. gotta love the french language for teaching me to say that to myself today. tomorrow i go to this gay/lesbian/bisexual etc. group thing.. and yeah.. i'm bringing my friend with me as security. plus she's in the same sexuality boat as i am.
oh! bonjour, altoidwhore! since we're aight still, yeah? yeah.
and holy christ, 93x plays the same bands over and over and over again. i heard scott weiland 3 times, linkin park twice (same song, sadly. but i <333 faint. i bounce in my seat and rap along and yeah.), seether twice now, revis twice (AND THEY WON THE CAGE MATCH! WOO WOO! Sadly I can't see them in concert when they're here the 3rd, it's 21+. fucking alcohol. i figured out how to pronounce that now too. but i forgot. but it's not reh-vis. sadly.) OH MY GOD. okay, scarlet letter then sleep time then school then blah blah blah. NIGHT KIDS.
Why does school suck so damn much? Holy man it's horrible all the time.
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First Hour - College Writing II
This class depressed me quite a lot. So we all had to bring in a fruit, yesss? So I brought in a mango. It was a lovely mango. I had named it Sahmain. He was a happy fruit, you know? He was greent and red and a blending of yellow between them, he was quite the stud. So we had to write about them in class, I was down with that. But then, dun dun dun, we had to kill them. I was not okay with this at all. My poor mango did not want to be eaten in school. But the teacher (Mrs. Fucking Korst) comes over with a letter opener and stabs the fuck out of poor Sahmain. Poor thing. Then I had to bite him and ended up throwing him away before gym glass. SIGH.
Second Hour - Math Class From Hell
This class is seriously a waste of my time, why I'm not yet in IB Math Studies is really beyond me. A lot. So I sat in my seat, pouting and sad because poor Sahmain was in my Cub bag, leaking his juices all over the place. Drew was told what happened so he snuggled me for most of the hour, while the teacher gave us a group quiz that i filled out for the whole table. Andy was amused by this and made comments on how stupid the rest of them were. After that I just doodled on my notebook as Drew doodled on my hand. It looks like a robot, but I guess it's supposed to be a cat because ''it's the only thing I can draw.'' What can I say? I was damn glad that class was done with.
Third Hour - Gym
Cringe. Lets not even get into this one. It was cold out and I was nipping and it had just rained and we played tennis. Tennis kills the arm, really, it does. (Hi, Carla! Sorry I didn't say I before class!)
Fourth Hour - IB English
Took a vocabulary test, luckily I stuidied while walking from Gym to English. I was all ew though and kept tripping on my LPDCs. My cargo pants weren't helping either because they had these drawstrings on the bottom that were tripping me also. Damn pants. So we took the quiz, I think I did alright, it wasn't too hard. Then we were supposed to read The Scarlet Letter but I sure as hell didn't have it, I had enough books to carry to begin with. So I sat whistling. Luckily we didn't get to my presentation because I didn't have my notecards, oops. So Monday for sure. I must make a poster board.
Fifth Hour - IB History Of The Americas
I fucking hate this class. I hate Mrs. Page and I hope that she goes back to teaching fucking Hebrew. So she starts the class talking about how our tests ranged from 0-100% and I'm pretty sure I got that 0% because I didn't even read the fucking chapter. We broke into groups and I sat with Emir, Meredith and Megan. I wrote the things they said, it wasn't very fun, but at least I didn't have to think. I also did my French homework in this class. We went to lunch in the middle of class like we're supposed to. I didn't eat anything but the poptart I was too sick to eat this morning. Class resumed, we watched presentations, again I go on Monday.
Sixth Hour - IB Biology
I had such a hard time staying awake in this class, Mrs. Divinsky's voice is like nails on a chalkboard but she was talking about lipids and fats and protiens and stuff I learned last year so I kept dozing off. Then I started doodling on my French workbook, but it didn't help. Luckily she turned the lights back on and we took a test. I do well in this class as long as the teacher doesn't bug me. I miss Ms. Wagle. I don't know if I have homework here, I never do. I haven't opened the Biology book she gave me. Oops?
Seventh Hour - French III
Mrs. Soenen is fucking psycho. She walks a lot in the front and I'm in the front row. She's this crazy italian lady who hates this one noise in French, which is uiel or something, I'll look it up. But yeah. We passed in our homework, did some listening and speaking. She was having a really bad day. We were listening to this French Christina Aguilera song. Like What A Girl Wants only in French. That was kinda sweet. Except for the part where the teacher couldn't even get the English words to that song right. Mmhmm.
I was supposed to stay after for a cello class, but I didn't have to (teacher told Ashly) so I just took the bus home. I don't like being at home, my parents are constantly fighting. My mom came inside crying and I asked what was wrong and she was like "NOTHING, go back to your room!" Then I asked my dad... he said the same thing. Why is it so bad to talk to me? So I went into my room and talked to Cassie. I counted people who mean shit to me. It's not a lot but I'm okay with it. They know me for the real me. Not a lie. My parents don't like me, they like me locked in here. I'm supposed to go play golf with Ashly and my dad, but I don't think it's going to happen because it's already 1:30. Oh well. I have a lot of homework anyway. I watched Frailty last night, it was good but a total mindfuck. I like those kinds of movies since horror ones dont make me feel a thing. They're so overrated. I can't remember a time I was scared from a horror movie. Ever.
Not much but some girl I don't know was claiming that I was someone I didn't know. It was stupid, really, it was. Holy man, why would I want to be this person? I like to be myself, I'm an artist, an actual person behind these words and websites. I'm happy with that. Cassie's going to write me a letter, which makes me happy. <33.
[ Basic Info ]
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-- Name : Kristina ___ _____.
-- Birthdate : June 6th, 1987.
-- Birthplace : Minneapolis, Minnesota.
-- Current Location : Saint Louis Park, Minnesota.
-- Eye Color : Brown.
-- Hair Color : Brown with Red streaks(they kinda washed out though.)
-- Righty or Lefty : Righty.
-- Zodiac Sign : Gemini.
-- Innie or Outtie : Innie.
[ Your Favorite ]
-- Music : Rock, Metal, (Heavy metal sometimes.)
-- Cartoon : I hate cartoons.
-- Color : Black.
-- Slushy Flavor : They make me sick
-- Magazine : Hit Parader/Guitar Player/Guitar One.
-- TV Show : Buffy The Vampire Slayer before Season 5.
-- Song : Too many, it changes all the time.
-- Language : Bad English, then French.
-- Spice Girl : Geri. Maybe Victoria
-- Subject in School : Science, English and Writing. (I fucking HATE school now though)
-- Ice Cream Flavor : Vanilla. Fudge Ripple. Cookie Dough. Chocolate Chip.
[ What Is ]
-- Your most overused phrase on aol : ''...''
-- The first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning : ''Am I dead yet?''
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex : Nothing.
-- The best name for a butler : Fredrick.
-- The wussiest sport : Golf (even though i'going to play it)
-- Your best feature : None
-- Your bedtime : I don't have one.
-- Your greatest fear : None.
-- Your greatest accomplishment : Being alive still.
[ You Prefer ]
-- Pepsi or coke : Pepsi. Coke makes me burp a lot.
-- McDonald's or Burger King : Mc Donald's. But I love Burger King's fries.
-- Single or group dates : Neither.
-- Adidas or Nike : Neither.
-- Chicken nuggets or chicken fingers : Chicken Fingers.
-- Dogs or cats : Neither.
-- Rugrats or Doug : Rugrats.
-- Single or taken : Single.
-- Monica or Brandy : Neither.
-- Tupac or Jay-Z : Neither.
-- Shania Twain or LeAnn Rhymes : Neither.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea : BOTH!
-- One pillow or two : Two.
-- Chocolate or vanilla : Vanilla.
-- Hot chocolate or hot cocoa : Hot chocolate.
-- Cappucino or coffee : Cappucino. And coffee.
-- Boxers or briefs : Boxers.
[ Do You ]
-- Take a shower everyday? : Yeah.
-- Have a(any) crush(es)? : Yeah.
-- Do you think you've been in love? : Yeah.
-- Want to go to college? : Stanford, supposing I get in.
-- Like high school? : Only Freshman year.
-- Want to get married : Sometime.
-- Type with your fingers on the right keys? : There's such a thing?
-- Believe in yourself? : Fuck no.
-- Have any tattoos/where? : Nope.
-- Have any piercings/where? : Nine ear.
-- Get motion sickness? : Nope. But I still hate the tilt a whirl.
-- Think you're a health freak? : Nope.
-- Get along with your parents? : Nope.
-- Like thunderstorms? : I <3 them.
[ The Future ]
-- Age you hoping to be married : Sometime.
-- Numbers and names of children : At least one.
-- Where do you see yourself at age 20? : Dead.
-- Descibe your dream wedding : On the beach. (Or near one) Old Hollywood themed.
-- How do you want to die? : Gee, that's a silly question.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up? : Doctor.
-- What country would you most like to visit? : France, Europe.
[ Opposite Sex ]
-- Best eye color? : Brown.
-- Best hair color? : Dark dark brown.
-- Short or long hair? : Short.
-- Best height? : Taller than me.
-- Best weight? : Don't care.
-- Best articles of clothing? : Pants. Cargos a lot.
-- Best first date location? : Anywhere.
-- Best first kiss location? : Anywhere.
[ Other ]
-- When's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? : Last night.
-- How many rings until you answer the phone? : Never answer.
-- How many houses have you lived in? : One.
-- How many schools have you gone to? : Four.
-- What color is your bedroom carpet? : There is none.
-- Would you shave your head for $5000? : Maybe.
-- If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three things with you what would you take? : I wouldn't get stranded on an island.
-- What was the best time of your life so far? : Family Values and Summer Sanitarium. (Especially the meet and greets)